Is Your Relationship Based On Loyalty or Love?
Dr. Cara Alana
Last week I shared a story of two women, Alexandra and Nicole and how their friendship had turned unhealthy for Alexandra as Nicole vented all of her issues onto Alexandra and yet, did not want or welcome any of Alexandra’s support. In fact, she turned on her, turning every issue back onto Alexandra.
Alexandra stayed in the friendship out of loyalty but was paying the price of feeling belittled more and more. Realizing that she did not want to feel that way anymore, she took a difficult, close look at the friendship.
She asked herself the tough questions.
When you are around those who you feel stress with but feel loyal to, ask yourself these questions:
How do you feel when you are with this person? Be specific as you think about your emotional as well as physical symptoms.
Have I openly communicated my feelings to this person of how I am feeling unappreciated or disrespected? Did they apologize and not realize or did they react by getting defensive?
Is this relationship with this person based on loyalty or love?
Is this relationship one-sided? If so, are you willing to honor yourself by expressing your feelings? You can say something like, “I know this must be a tough time but I care for you and I just want to support you.”
Next week we will find out what happened to the friendship when Alexandra put the above suggestions into action.
To Your Fulfillment,
Cara
Dr. Cara Alana is an inspiring Life Coach and author with a Doctorate in Psychology. Her empowering approach focuses on accelerated personal and professional growth where sustainable long-term change can be achieved, resulting in tremendous breakthroughs. Equipped with training in motivational psychology, she provides a safe and soothing place of growth and empowerment. What's standing between you and your full happiness potential? Visit her website at http://www.lifefulfillmentnow.com
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Oooo…that can be a toughie. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the difference between loyalty and love, especially when our culture tends to conflate one with the other. Great insight!
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Thank you, Soni! Feelings of guilt are often brought into play either intentionally or unintentionally. Our relationships greatly impact our health and although we care deeply about others, we have to take care of ourselves too.
October 27th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I think part of what’s so hard to deal with is that our culture places a very high value on loyalty - sometimes more than it does on love - think of how many times movie heroes are written to make the “right” choice to do their duty (loyalty to an oath, cop buddy or service) even when it means alienating and even abandoning their loved ones.
It can be hard to make the right choice for ourselves when everyone is so focused on “staying the course,” even when we know that doing so results keeps us in a relationship that isn’t working for either party.