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It was like an old Gary Larson cartoon.

Remember those cartoons?  The smart, clever, incredibly funny ones that featured animals and people saying and doing the most humorous things?  Many years ago there was one that showed a man standing in a doorway watching his wife as she was using her rolling pin to pound down and smooth a mound of dough in the form of her husband’s head.  He was saying, “Honey, is there something bothering you?” and she said, “No dear, everything’s fine.” 

“Everything’s fine!” says her mouth while her hands, whacking away at her husband’s doughy effigy in silent anger and resentment tell another story.  “Everything’s fine!”…the theme song of anyone in any relationship who doesn’t want to tell the truth about their feelings out of fear of causing disharmony and unpleasantness.

This past holiday weekend I spent time in a gathering with a couple who were, on the surface, getting along quite famously.  Every once in a while, however, one or the other slung what I call a “resentment dart” at their partner; not fatal like a Borneo poison dart but equally deadly.  While it was uncomfortable for those of us who were silent observers to hear, I can only imagine how hurtful it was to the partner on the receiving end of the barbed comment.  The ‘darts’ were, I believe, a pretty clear sign that there was a fair amount of simmering resentment and/or anger not being expressed directly.

As a consultant I used to be called in by organizations and businesses who weren’t performing well.  Typically they were lagging behind in revenues and productivity, and teamwork was merely wishful thinking.  One of the first questions I would ask was “How does your group deal with conflict?”  and typical answers included “Deal with conflict?!  You’ve got to be kidding…we avoid it” or more commonly, “Well, there’s a lot of backbiting and gossip.” 

Bingo!  There was one of the biggest sources of their problems - indirect communication.  And as a result, trust was low or non-existent which led to other issues like poor problem solving, lack of creativity, and no collaboration or teamwork. 

Not dealing directly with conflict or letting unfinished business (unresolved issues, resentments, anger) linger are a sure bet to screw up any relationship.  It can be a marriage, friendship or a business relationship, it doesn’t matter.  When we don’t tell the truth about our feelings - when we utter those dreaded words “Everything’s fine!” when everything isn’t fine - we do a huge disservice to ourselves, the other person, and the relationship itself. 

It takes courage to be willing to go public with our difficult feelings.  To honor ourselves and the relationship by understanding that while anger and resentment can be hard to hear and hard to deliver, those involved in the situation have the strength and resiliency to handle the truth.  It takes courage to build safe, respectful, resolved relationships by dealing with conflict directly. 

Be courageous!

Warmly,  Megan