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One of my clients, we’ll call her JoAnn, has two teenagers.
She asked me to help her say “No” calmly. She tends to avoid
any kind of possible conflict, and when she is faced with one,
she gets highly stressed, belaboring the point until the
message is lost.

It’s natural that a conflict can arise when someone wants
you to say “Yes” and you say “No.” This is especially the
case with teenagers that haven’t yet learned how to be
respectful of your role as parent-coach. In this role, you
have the responsibility to choose what’s best given the
situation at hand.

For example, if you give in to your underage teen’s request
to make beer or wine available for a party they’re having,
you’d be seen as a pushover. Teens don’t respect pushovers
even when they end up getting what they want. Further, you’d
be shirking your parental duties. If you refuse the request,
be prepared for complaints, including “You never let me do
anything. I hate you!” Here’s how you can minimize the
friction.

The best strategy I’ve found is known as the “sandwich”
technique. It consists of three statements. (1) Acknowledge
the other person’s statement (viewpoint). This validates
them and they feel heard which allows for more willingness
to hear you.(2) State the reason for your refusal and the
reason why you will not or cannot comply with your teen’s
wishes. (3) Add what you will do instead or can say to ease
their disappointment.

EXAMPLE:

1. I know you think it would be a lot more fun to have booze
at your party. And that you want me to get it for you.

2. I have an obligation as a parent to keep you safe and not
contribute to illegal activity. I’d rather have you think of
me as being over-protective than to go along with you and
then live with the guilt if someone ended up getting killed
as a result of drinking and driving at your party.

3. It’s important for us to responsible. I know you care about
your friends and wouldn’t want anything like that to happen
to them.

Keep your statements short. Lecturing teens doesn’t work. A
calm, caring tone and a centered disposition will help you
effectively deliver this message. If you start to lose command
of your emotions, stop talking. Excuse yourself, terminating
the conversation until you regroup.

If your teen is still not hearing your message, use the
“broken record” technique. You simply repeat your message
lovingly during your dialog, as often as it takes for your
message to stick.

Know that you’ve been successful when the words leave your
mouth. Don’t expect your teens to give you the satisfaction
of agreeing with you. That’s much more likely to happen when
they’re in their twenties!

Best-

Barbara
The Savvy Success Coach

www.teenfrontier.com

P. S. For additional support refer to Coach Your Teen to
Success.

For many in the US, this week marks the return to school
for our kids, reminding us of our experiences. In addition
to remembering some awkward teenage moments, you’ll likely
recall the instructors who’ve made a profound impact. Who were
these teachers for you and how did their influence help shape
your future? (more…)

You know something is causing you to feel stuck when
you realize: “I’ve been here before! How did I get back
here again? Only–it’s worse now… Unbelievable!” It’s
actually quite common. Who hasn’t witnessed a car stuck
in the mud, spinning its wheels and digging a deeper hole? (more…)

How would you rate your relationship with your teen daughter or son?

If you are unsure or you want to double check your answer, ask

yourself this question: “How do I react when I hear my teen coming

home?” as you imagine hearing the sounds of your teen entering your

home. (more…)

Often when parents take an active part in raising happy,
healthy, and responsible kids, they’re surprised to hear
“You’re mean!” from their preteens and teens. But don’t
let this derail you. Take a look at this “Mean Mom” poem
(author unknown) that a Facebook friend shared with me: (more…)

As goal-oriented parents we are used to overcoming the
obstacles in our path. Sometimes the challenge of
succeeding can keep us motivated. Most of us think that
“quitting is for losers,” and we pass this advice on
to our kids. (more…)

Most of us really do know “right” from “wrong.” We’ve
all been taught not to lie, steal, or otherwise engage
in illegal activity. And yet people-of all ages-do it
everyday. They don’t act honorably because they let
themselves off the hook. (more…)

As we prepare for celebrating the 4th of July in the
US, it’s important to remember that no matter where
you live or who you are, you can choose to feel free. (more…)

New college graduates are finding the job market much
more welcoming than you might think. What a relief!

Here’s why:

1. More employers expect to hire new grads this year
than in 2008.

2. While the labor market in general is suffering,
there’s a great need to begin filling the holes left
by retiring baby boomers.

3. Talent is still in great demand, especially in the
areas of computer science, engineering, and marketing. (more…)

Spring is often associated with new growth and the
sweetness of new love. For teenagers it’s a time of
change and choices as they face finals and form new
social attachments. For parents the subject of dating
raises concerns about risky behaviors.

Do you remember the Smokey Robinson song: My Momma
Told Me, You’d Better Shop Around? Momma waited until
her son was of age before offering her advice. And
while shopping for who you think is the right guy
or girl rather than settling for who is currently
available is still good advice, the timeline has
changed.

The best time to provide your insights and guidance
is long before dating begins. Ideally you’ve talked
about how to distinguish between being “in love”
or “crushes” versus genuine love while your kids
are preteens. Then it’s much easier to keep the lines
of communication open during the later stages of
adolescence to further discuss intimacy in new
relationships.

Too often parents believe that if they talk about it
they’ll just be “planting ideas in a young person’s
head.” Not so. The opposite is true. Studies show
that parents who openly talk to their children about
how to date safe and foster healthy images of the
physicality of relationships increase the chances
that their kids will make smarter choices.

How to Talk About Dating

1. Acknowledge Your Own Discomfort

It’s natural to feel a bit awkward or fearful at first.
It’s OK to say, “This is new territory for me to be
talking with you about dating. So, please don’t be
too hard on me!”

2. Share Your Relationship Values

Mention some things you’ve learned along the way that
you wish you had known before you started dating. (Use
age appropriate examples). Ask what they already know
about relationships and be willing to fill in the gaps.
Ask: What do you think you need from your date to feel
safe and loved?

3. Foster a Two-Way Conversation

Listen fully and encourage dialog. Don’t be too alarmed
if you hear things that you don’t agree with. Teenagers
change their minds quickly and fall in and out of love
just as fast. Your responses will determine how much a
young person will share with you.

4. Set Reasonable Dating Rules

Discuss dating options: groups, double dating, or 1:1
dating. Be clear about your expectations and share your
reasons for ground rules. If you include the input of
your teenagers, they’ll be more likely to follow them.
Know who your child will be with; when and where they’re
going.

The Benefits of Teenage Dating

Parents can get blinded by all of the potential dangers,
that they lose sight of how dating profoundly aids the
developmental process in becoming a healthy adult. As
teens begin their “identity formation” during adolescence,
they develop a stronger “sense of self.” They begin to
understand their values and learn how this impacts their
friendships and relationships.

They learn how to respect and assert themselves in order
to maintain their individuality while being linked with
another person. They also learn about the joy of being a
team with shared goals.
 
Boys and girls will naturally shop for someone who meets
a need that they’re already familiar with. Dating helps
teens to become more familiar with themselves. It sheds
light on additional critical factors that need to be present
to make dating, and having a relationship, become a positive
experience.

My Momma Told Me, You’d Better Shop Around

Let your kids know that when they’re shopping, it really
isn’t a bargain if they’ve settled for something that just
doesn’t fit.

Encourage your kids to shop around. When you respectfully
communicate with your teenagers by building trust, and
fostering growth, you’ll be a positive influence. And
dating can become as worry-free as possible.

My best,
Barbara

P. S. For additional support for better communications,
preparing your kids to make better choices, refer to
Coach Your Teen to Success.

Or visit us at www.teenfrontier.com.