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What does courage really mean to you?

About the Expert: Megan Raphael is the founder and President of the Courage Project, a national initiative championing the feminine face of courage. She is an expert on women’s courage and leadership, and is a highly regarded public speaker and workshop leader. She is also the author of the award-winning book, “The Courage Code.” You can learn more about her work at www.courageproject.com.

Trust your gut.

How many times do you hear that and yet, ignore that slight niggling you get to do something or don’t do something?  Turn that way, don’t take that route, call that person, don’t take that job…our own internal GPS system instructing us in big and small matters.

We often talk about ‘women’s intuition’ as if it’s only a gift given to us females.  Maybe we women tend to give our intuition more credence but it certainly isn’t something we can claim sole ownership over. I recently learned a great lesson about the universality of intuition and the need to listen to it by way of a little article in my local newspaper. 

A teacher didn’t show up one morning to work.  Nor did his wife, so her employer called the school in an attempt to locate her (it’s a small town so this kind of personal attention happens…).  Couple that with the fact that their child, a first-grader, didn’t show up for classes and the Principal’s inner alarm sounded.   

“Something just went off in my head,” he said. “Another friend had talked earlier about how they had just turned on their heat for the first time this year. Call it a strong hunch … but I knew: lives were in danger.”

Now, I’m going to venture a guess that many of us might have just chalked that ‘hunch’ up to a passing worry and gone back to what we were doing.  Perhaps we would have made an exploratory call.  Not that Principal.  He grabbed another teacher, jumped in his car, and drove quickly to the absent teacher’s home. 

They arrived at the house and found cars in the driveway, but no one answered when they knocked on the front door.  As the two men entered they discovered a haze hanging in the house, and a strong, foul odor.  They knew they needed to get the family to fresh air. Together they kicked out a door close to the bedroom and removed all four people to the back yard where they were resuscitated by medical personnel. 

A dead bird was found in a chimney attached to a 40-year-old hot water boiler that heated the house.  It’s believed that the family turned on the furnace for the first time the night before, and fell asleep before fumes rerouted by the blocked chimney moved up from the basement and into the house.

Thanks to the Principal trusting and acting on his gut feelings – his intuition – a family was saved on the brink of carbon monoxide poisoning.

When I read this story (and even in the retelling of it) I get goosebumps. How did he know lives were in danger, and what caused him to have enough faith in that hunch to take immediate action?  I don’t know. 

But I do know there have been times I’ve dismissed those inner alarms and wound up in relationships and situations that weren’t healthy for me.  I’ve also had many times I’ve paid attention and acted on my intuition, and those are the times I’ve benefited from most.

It takes courage to slow down enough to even hear our inner voice.  To pay attention to what we’re feeling and know the signs that say, “Go!” or “Stop!”  It takes courage to trust in our intuition and take action based on it.

Be courageous!

Warmly,

Megan

By now, most of us have heard the story about the Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot their Minneapolis landing by 150 miles.  Initial speculation was they were both sleeping, but further investigation seems to indicate they were wide awake but engrossed in their laptops. 

Whatever the reason it’s disconcerting to say the least, if not downright freaky,  to think about being piloted by people so unaware that they didn’t hear numerous attempts by the control tower to contact them much less the fact they were way of their landing mark.

Since this story broke I can’t seem to get it out of mind.  Beyond the implications it might have for any future flying I do, I’ve been fascinated with how such a situation could happen.  It seems unfathomable.

Last night I was listening to several National Public Radio (NPR) interviews with people working in public service jobs – bus drivers, train conductors, etc. – who encounter similar occupational hazards as airline pilots.  They talked about 2 conditions that cause decreased awareness; extreme stress or boredom. 

Suddenly I got it.  We, women, are no different from those pilots.  We may not fly planes but it’s very likely we will detach from our surroundings if we feel too much stress or too much boredom.  Unless we have a balance, we will tune out, check out, and lose awareness of incoming signals from others or life around us.

I know that’s certainly true for me.  When I become overwhelmed, I become insular.  I stay in my head, losing communication from my body or other bodies around me.  When I become bored or lose passion in my life, I become listless.  I go somewhere else in my mind, making it nearly impossible to pick up messages that could help me rediscover my path.

What we can learn from the NW pilots is how important it is to maintain maximum awareness and responsiveness, and to do this, we must find that sweet spot between stress and boredom. 

It takes courage to stay aware.  To know what conditions kick you into overwhelm, and what catapults you into boredom.  It takes courage to create the right balance balance for you so you land in the right place.

Be courageous!   Megan

My dog taught me an important lesson the other day.

Kya is a rescue dog; we adopted her several years ago from a group that saves Cavalier King Charles Spaniels from puppy mills. Not a lot of people know about puppy mills but they’re a huge blight on the pet landscape.  Typically they are run by people who breed dogs for sale to pet shops. 

Those cute little faces you see in the store window, wagging their tails, waiting to be adopted have a story to tell.  They’ve been usually kept in cages their whole lives before being sold to the pet shop, given the most meager of food and attention, and existing only to supply the puppy mill owner with many litters of puppies. 

My dog Kya spent 4 years in a puppy mill; her rescuers said when they got her her behavior indicated she’d never even walked on grass before.  She was a dog used to a scarcity of everything.

However, she’s a survivor and has blossomed into a loving, gentle dog.  One thing she hasn’t overcome, though, is her scarcity mentality when it comes to her food.  If either of our 2 cats is anywhere in the vicinity of her bowl Kya will let them know she’s not at all happy about that. 

As I watched her the other day I realized she had a lot to teach me about the stories I make up that unnecessarily cause me to become competitive and territorial.

My cats aren’t the slightest bit interested in eating Kya’s food.  In fact, they’re not very interested in Kya herself, seeing her as simply a bump in the road on their way to their desired destination.  Oh, sometimes they might eyeball her in hopes that she’ll play, but most often they’re focused on anything except her food.

Kya doesn’t see this.  To her, they are a huge threat.  So she becomes protective of her space and food.  She stakes out her territory and wastes time and energy she could be using to enjoy her meal to let it be known her grub isn’t to be messed with.  She doesn’t see her life could be more fun if she had 2 playmates.

I see myself and others in Kya.  At times we unnecessarily perceive others as threats to our business, friendships, role as parents, etc.  We shift into competition and spend time and energy on protecting rather than exploring new opportunities.  We get hooked into scarcity thinking and miss the potential for greater possibilities, valuable relationships  and lots more fun.

It takes courage to shift from a scarcity mentality to an abundance mentality.  To change the stories we’re telling ourselves, and be open to more collaboration, less competition.  It takes courage to see others as playmates in the game of life.

 Be courageous!  Warmly, Megan

There we were, 8 dispirited but hopeful women wearing plastic tiaras. Millionairesses, we called ourselves, though we didn’t have much money to our names.

A few years ago a group of us came together, connected only by seven degrees of separation. We were different ages and from different occupations and backgrounds. But we were united by something important; our desire to change our financial conditions.

We weren’t sure how but we knew why; each of us was frustrated with our checkbooks. Most were upset by how little was in our checkbooks and all of us were disgusted by our behavior around our checkbooks. We were great avoiders, procrastinators and worriers. Different situations yet with common reactions.

In that first meeting we decided enough was enough – we were going to do something different around our money…be proactive, learn and grow. We started slowly by each selecting a book to read and reporting our discoveries and tidbits of financial wisdom to the group. The more we heard from wise money managers, the more convinced we were that not only did we need to change our short-term, everyday money habits but our long-term strategies. None of us had ever invested money, much less even seen investing as interesting or important.

It didn’t take long for us to become The Millionairess Investment Group, a big sounding name for a small, but forward-looking group of women. We were determined to live up to our name.

Every month we each put in $25.00 and the pot grow slowly but surely. Soon we were able to make a few investments; decisions that we, as a group, made based on a growing understanding of what to look for in a wise investment and strong socially responsible values.

At first, we were cowed by the financial words and terms we met. The whole world of investments was completely foreign…and very scarey. Together, though, we found safety in our shared ignorance, and laughed as we admitted our lack of confidence and knowledge. United, we bolstered each other and encouraged our newfound financial know-how.

This week we celebrated our 2 year anniversary and it was obvious how much each of us has progressed. From an outsiders eye it might not look like we have. We haven’t made a killing in the stock market. Our pool of available money for investing isn’t huge. And individually, our checkbooks don’t reflect a huge difference.

Yet, WE are different. We are more confident and knowledgeable. We are proud of ourselves. We know we have faced the truth of our financial ignorance and dysfunctional money habits, and are learning and growing.

It takes courage to see something we don’t like and do something about it. To face the money monster (or monster in any area of our life) and try to tame it. It takes courage to find other like-minded, empowering people, and work together to change.

Be courageous!

Warmly, Megan

“I find imperfection the most interesting thing about a person.”   Anonymous

It was enough to send me off the edge momentarily…a typo in the headline of an email blast I sent out to hundreds of clients.

I hate typos so I read and re-read the piece just to make sure all was okay. Imagine my chagrin when I received my copy and saw the glaring misspelling in the very first line. All kinds of thoughts went through my head, ideas pouring forth for how I could correct it…send another email apologizing? Send the promo again in a corrected version and hope no one would notice the first one?

I chose to forgive and forget. Forgive myself for my imperfection. Forget apologies and re-mailings. Accept my imperfection – gulp! – and move on.

In my Compass coaching group the other night, we had a great discussion about what we need to let go of to design our best life. The quest for perfection was number one on our list. All of us thought of times when our best efforts to live authentically were blocked by our own internal measures of perfection, and that learning to accept – and yes, love – our imperfections was key to greater joy and fulfillment.

Trying to always be perfect is a burden. When my imperfections show up, whether it is a glaring typo or forgetting to pay a bill or making a bonehead comment, I need to remind myself that allowing myself to not be perfect gives me more freedom. Freedom to be who I am without pretense. So, being imperfect is a gift we give ourselves.

It also has a huge benefit for others. My friend, Rabbi Chava Bahle, recently shared a story about what she learned about being imperfect. This past weekend she was leading a Rosh Hoshanah High Holiday service and couldn’t remember how to pronounce a word in the Torah she was reading. She paused in her recitation, turned to a person next to her for assistance, and then continued with the service. Afterwards a member of the congregation approached her, saying “I’ve never seen another Rabbi not know how to say the Torah.” Inside her head, Chava said, she became immediately defensive, reeling from the perceived criticism. However, the man continued, exclaiming, “Thank you so much! I learned that if you can ask for help, I can, too.”

When we are imperfect, we also allow others to be. We give them the gift of freedom to be who they are authentically and without pretense.

Be Courageous!

Warmly, Megan

 A friend sent me this poem this week and I love it.  Enjoy!

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

 ~ Earnest Holmes

It takes courage to let go…Be courageous! 

Warmly, Megan

It was like an old Gary Larson cartoon.

Remember those cartoons?  The smart, clever, incredibly funny ones that featured animals and people saying and doing the most humorous things?  Many years ago there was one that showed a man standing in a doorway watching his wife as she was using her rolling pin to pound down and smooth a mound of dough in the form of her husband’s head.  He was saying, “Honey, is there something bothering you?” and she said, “No dear, everything’s fine.” 

“Everything’s fine!” says her mouth while her hands, whacking away at her husband’s doughy effigy in silent anger and resentment tell another story.  “Everything’s fine!”…the theme song of anyone in any relationship who doesn’t want to tell the truth about their feelings out of fear of causing disharmony and unpleasantness.

This past holiday weekend I spent time in a gathering with a couple who were, on the surface, getting along quite famously.  Every once in a while, however, one or the other slung what I call a “resentment dart” at their partner; not fatal like a Borneo poison dart but equally deadly.  While it was uncomfortable for those of us who were silent observers to hear, I can only imagine how hurtful it was to the partner on the receiving end of the barbed comment.  The ‘darts’ were, I believe, a pretty clear sign that there was a fair amount of simmering resentment and/or anger not being expressed directly.

As a consultant I used to be called in by organizations and businesses who weren’t performing well.  Typically they were lagging behind in revenues and productivity, and teamwork was merely wishful thinking.  One of the first questions I would ask was “How does your group deal with conflict?”  and typical answers included “Deal with conflict?!  You’ve got to be kidding…we avoid it” or more commonly, “Well, there’s a lot of backbiting and gossip.” 

Bingo!  There was one of the biggest sources of their problems - indirect communication.  And as a result, trust was low or non-existent which led to other issues like poor problem solving, lack of creativity, and no collaboration or teamwork. 

Not dealing directly with conflict or letting unfinished business (unresolved issues, resentments, anger) linger are a sure bet to screw up any relationship.  It can be a marriage, friendship or a business relationship, it doesn’t matter.  When we don’t tell the truth about our feelings - when we utter those dreaded words “Everything’s fine!” when everything isn’t fine - we do a huge disservice to ourselves, the other person, and the relationship itself. 

It takes courage to be willing to go public with our difficult feelings.  To honor ourselves and the relationship by understanding that while anger and resentment can be hard to hear and hard to deliver, those involved in the situation have the strength and resiliency to handle the truth.  It takes courage to build safe, respectful, resolved relationships by dealing with conflict directly. 

Be courageous!

Warmly,  Megan

I found a letter bomb in my mailbox the other day.

It looked innocuous enough; standard greeting card size, white envelope addressed to me with my sister’s return address.  As I tore it open I was rather excited…what was the special occasion that warranted a Hallmark card?  It wasn’t my birthday or even an anniversary.  Perhaps it was simply a loving gesture of appreciation for our relationship. 

That notion exploded as I reached the second paragraph (the first line was, indeed, loving and warm).  She was mad at me for something I had done and wanted to write to let me know about it. 

Now, my sister is a wonderful writer so by the time I’d finished with the note I was well informed about her concerns. Her irritation with me oozed off the page and it was clear I’d offended her greatly.

To me, my transgression had been a simple mistake so I was at first taken aback at her reaction. Then I began to acknowledge the grains of truth in what she was saying; my intentions hadn’t been bad but I could see how my oversight would have caused problems for her.  I understood why she was riled, realizing if I’d been her in her shoes I might have been too. 

What I didn’t understand was why she put it in writing rather than just picking up the horn and calling me directly.  We talk to each other at least once a week so we’re no strangers to telephoning.

So, herein lies the rub.  On one hand, I appreciate the fact that she confronted me with her concerns.  I applaud that and in fact, see it as a strong sign of the progress in our relationship. Not terribly long ago the conflict would have been swept under the rug, only to be dealt with indirectly through seething resentment that occasionally raised its ugly head.  The good news is that her feelings were now out on the table.

The bad news, though, is that it was still approached in a roundabout way through writing versus a conversation.  Because it was one-way communication we weren’t able to discuss it, gain some mutual understanding, and resolve it directly and in a timelier manner.

It’s not easy dealing with conflict, I know.  I’ve spent a lifetime learning to not run away and hide when interpersonal issues surface, and instead find effective ways to talk about and handle them when they arise.  One thing I’m quite sure about is that indirect communication through backbiting, gossip, sniping remarks, and even writing (letters, notes or emails), creates greater problems than the original conflict. It reduces trust and all too often leads to deeper misunderstanding and rifts.

This situation tested my courage because I had to muster up the gumption to call my sister the next day after I’d cooled down and work things out between us.  That follow-up conversation allowed us to move through the problem, recommit to talking directly about future concerns, and walk away from the situation with a loving relationship intact.

It takes courage to talk to someone about our troubled feelings.  To explore the other person’s perspective and really listen to their point of view.  It takes courage to directly work through the issues and come to a resolution that is good for all.

Be courageous!

Warmly,  Megan